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Richard Branson Dies in Fiery Explosion

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NEW MEXICO- Billionaire entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson and six others died earlier today when Virgin’s VSS Unity exploded moments after launch in a failed attempt to go into space. The space ship was supposed to travel through space for 9 minutes before returning to Earth, but an apparent problem with the cup holders not being installed correctly lead it to quickly disintegrate.

“I’m in total shock,” responds Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, who’s been locked in a mini space race with Branson since he announced he himself would be going into space later this month. “It never occurred to me that these experiential aircrafts carrying civilians might not be a great idea. Ah, well, guess this means I won.”

Bezos then announced plans to urinate on Branson’s grave. This was quickly followed by fellow billionaire Elon Musk announcing his own plans to pee on Branson’s grave, but from space.

[CORRECTION- This article ran by accident in several different alternate timelines, in some of which Branson survived. We would take the article down, but we kind of don’t care enough.]