SEATTLE, WA- The right wing theory of the trans agenda, a supposed plan beginning with trans acceptance and leading to various catastrophic social consequences, has been dealt a fatal blow by the discovery of Emily Jones, a trans woman with absolutely no plans whatsoever.
“I mean, I prefer to take things one day at a time,” Jones explained, in direct contradiction to the theory of trans people as orchestrating a secret coup, or anything at all. “I don’t hate my job too much and sometimes I hang out with friends on the weekend.”
The 32-year old trans woman currently works as a line chef at an upscale seafood restaurant. On being asked if she planned to open her own restaurant someday, she replied “I hadn’t thought of it. Probably not, though.”
“Well, I guess that’s that,” said right-wing activist and former anti-trans conspiracy theorist Ben Barlow. “I really thought she was part of a scheme to facilitate the rise to power of an elite, Jewish conspiracy. But this Emily character hasn’t even figured out what she’s going to have for dinner tonight. You’d have to be some kind of weirdo to keep believing at this point.”
“Honestly, the whole thing makes me feel like kind of a jerk,” said Barlow, emptying an unsold box of “Woman=Adult Human Female” pins into the dumpster.
“Is Emily part of a plan to undermine the government?” one of her best friends, Mia Acosta repeated. “No. And honestly, I stopped listening at the word plan.”
In the light of this new information, the Republican party has, obviously, agreed to bipartisan legislations protecting and promoting transgender health.
What’s Emily going to do after shaking up politics like this? In her own words, “I thought I might go home, eat some chips, and maybe browse Facebook for a bit.”