Food · Pop Culture

Tucker Carlson Has Literally Fucked a Bowl of M&Ms

Sexy, right?

NEW YORK, NY– Petulant TV host Tucker Carlson is drawing attention for his unhinged rant about the recent redesign of the Brown M&M. The M&M in question no longer has stilettos, and is now more androgynous, which led Carlson to fume with fury over a distinct lack of sexiness.

But is this just his normal performative rage or something deeper? Sources close to the Faux News report the popular host has a rider in his contact that he must always have a large bowl of M&M’s in his dressing room. One former employee even walked in on Carlson “making passionate love” to the bowl of chocolate candies on multiple occasions.

“It was my job to refill the bowl,” says an anonymous former employee. “Usually he wanted just brown and green M&M’s, and he needed a fresh batch every day. One day I couldn’t get him enough of the brown and green so the were some reds in there as well, and he threw the bowl at me in rage screaming ‘I’m not gay!'”

“We all knew to stay away from his dressing room during certain times of day,” said another source. “I never SAW what he was doing, but you could hear the sounds that he was making. It sounded like moaning at first but he was definitely saying ‘M&M’ over and over again.”

“I wish I knew about it before I ate a handful of candies from his dressing room,” says another source before physically gagging at the memory.

“None of us were ever sure how the ritual got started,” one source continues. “But we figured it was the result of deep-seated psychological scars from his mom feeding him chocolate at night, which stopped when she left the family at a young age. I sort of feel sorry for him, sometimes. Just a little.”

Other sources are worried that this is not going to just blow over. “Tucker’s currently more angry than the time Obama wore a tan suit,” says an anonymous source still with Fox. “He’s out for blood. They took away his sexy chocolate and he’s inconsolable. I hear all the candy stores in Times Square have preemptively banned him, for fear of what he might do in his unhinged state.”