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Pending Straight Pride Parade Prepares Plans

The organizers of a Straight Pride march participate in a “Demand Free Speech” rally on Freedom Plaza on July 6, 2019 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Stephanie Keith/Getty Images)

CLEVELAND, OH–Preparing for the Annual State Pride Parade in June proceeds briskly. The parade–often decked out in fantastic khaki and camo shades–brings a variety of white people to the streets, culminating with incels, anti-LGBT people, and white supremacists all coming together to shotgun beers outside local sports bars.

The Straight Pride Parade was started by Matt Dixon, who was inspired after being ejected from a lesbian speed dating event. “They said it was open to all. Just trying to get in there, show those hot lesbians that they just need a little dick,” he said. “Then they’ll like dudes. For sure.”

The speed dating event in question was put on by Agatha Martin, a local transgender activist. “Yeah. OK.” she then laughed for a while until she had to sit down.

Dixon said that the incident gave him insight into the oppression of others and that was the inspiration for the parade. “I mean, I can’t help it what I am.” He continued. “I even tried online lesbian dating. I got inspired by that guy in the UK. He made some shows. I can’t remember those either. But I didn’t succeed there, either. That happened on June 3rd, so that’s when our parade is.”

The Straight Pride Parade last year in a Chipotle restaurant. This year they are considering a Panera.

Dixon looked over a route map, pensive and thoughtful. “Straight white men are discriminated against more than anyone these days.” He wiped his brow. “But I hear ‘White Boy Summer’ is coming so it’s time to take our place up front. Anyone who’s ever felt a little weird and out of place in this crazy PC world is welcome to party with us. As long as you think and act exactly how we want you to.”