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Hallmark Movies Show Gays Approach Market Saturation

Screenshot from: The Christmas House

KANSAS CITY, MO–A study of media produced findings showing homosexual white cis-gendered men are quickly achieving a level of pop culture status that can only be described as ubiquitous. While other minorities have struggled to find representation, on Friday, Doctors Skip Burman and Scott Turley have determined that gays are showing market saturation, leaving very few places to expand into.”It’s really quite extra,” Dr Burman said, “We’re, like, everywhere.” The doctor, whose partner Scott and meta-amour Charlie have all been struggling to keep up with all the gay media out there across dozens of different platforms.

“It’s too much,” Burman said, “And I’m not talking about porn. I’m talking about sitcoms. I’m talking about movies. On Prime, Hulu, Netflix, Shudder, Tubi, IMDB, YouTube, Lifetime–just kidding!–YouTube Premium, Crackle, Bravo, Peacock, Sling TV, Curiosity Stream, Fubo, Plex, Kanopy, PBS, BBC, CBS All Access, Logo, whatever channel Anderson Cooper is on, and I am sure I am forgetting something. And to top it off are the Hallmark movies. In our house, we have to divide and conquer to stay caught up!”

A recent report by pollsters have said that if current trends continue, gay men will be 142% of all characters on the small screen by 2067, a statistic that has alarmed some.

Hallmark in particular isn’t backing down. “We have had no noticeable decline showing homosexual men to our key female demographic,” spokesman Frank Lyre said. “In fact, there’s become kind of a movement in the fan-o-sphere, where two men do not have the same type of gendered reactions as a man and a woman, allowing the viewer to see the relationship as more equitable.”

“I don’t care about the reasons, I’m a big fan,” said Samantha, who asked us to not reveal her last name. “I can just not worry as much about the stakes. Like, the guys are just, you know, guys. I can’t even tell them apart, anyway.”

But not everyone is so enthusiastic.”This really shows that Hallmark has missed the mark here,” Family Research Council’s Henry Applebottom said. “We hope that us homophobes and Hallmark will get back together due to the magic of Christmas.”

Regardless, it appears that gay men have finally taken their place as the kings–and thanks to RuPaul–the queens of television.