News Shorts

Dr. Pepper/7Up: “Fuck It. Spot’s Non Binary Now.”

Cool Spot Surfing on a Bottle of 7 Up.

PLANO, TX–Seeing the publicity engendered by corporate giant Hasbro and other brands seeking to hop on what will doubtlessly be a short-lived bandwagon, the Dr Pepper Snapple company (also known as Dr. Pepper/7Up Inc.) made an announcement about the long ago mascot, Spot. “Fuck it! Spot is non-binary now. They use they pronouns and use the honorific Mx. We are excited to let our mascot speak their truth and hope you will be excited too.”

Cool Spot Mega Drive Box Art

Company spokesman, Andrew Navarro, said, “We realize that Spot hasn’t really been a thing since their high point in the mid 90’s, where they–and they always were they, even if we didn’t know–were a key part of the 7 Up Marketing campaign, culminating in the classic 1993 Cool Spot platforming video game.”

But not all were happy with this change. Conservative firebrand Ben Shapiro said of the change, “My mommy gives me 7 Up when I feel poopy and I don’t want that non-binary gender stuff in my head when I am trying to get over some tummy trouble. Spot has always been, and always will be, a guy. I think.”

Mr Shapiro has an ally in the fight against the new non-binary Spot. Graham Lineman, former TV-Writer turned professional something-or-other, did not issue a statement. However, someone else of legally significant distance from him to prevent libel said that, “Spot was always a woman. It’s clear from that orange-red color. Because we all know that’s what makes a woman is blood.”

Regardless, Dr. Pepper/7 Up are pushing the change. Spokesman Navarro said, “I think think what Spot has done is an incredible statement of bravery. Regardless, I say we can all agree, that the cool, refreshing effervescent, lemon-lime taste of 7 Up, made with all natural ingredients, is perfect. And you can, no matter your gender, make 7 Up Yours.”