News Shorts · Science

Chest Milk: The Product Everyone Needs But Nobody Wants

A newborn drinks that sweet, sweet human chest juice. Image Credit: John’s Hopkins Medicine.


CHICAGO, IL — Following the United Kingdom, some hospitals in the United States have pushed to change the name of breast milk to “chest milk.” While childbirth remains a reasonably low-profit enterprise, this allows some American hospitals to add an “inclusivity charge,” despite the fact that this change is widely seen as unnecessary.

 “Thanks, I hate it,” said Max through a contrived smile. Max Talbot is a new parent who uses they/them pronouns who just gave birth to a healthy baby. They went on, “I appreciate being thought of, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this. But thanks?”

Max registered for gifts online and asked for cotton onesies, a stroller, and maybe some healthcare. At their baby shower, Max did not receive any of the gifts on their registry, despite being listed everywhere from Walmart to Pottery Barn Kids. “I didn’t get my Diaper Genie or Baby Bjorn, but I got a lot of sentiments about how brave I am? I thought I’d at least get a towel with a dinosaur hood. Something tangible.”

Max currently owes the hospital several thousand dollars. 

On top of parenting screaming newborns, parents like them everywhere are also fielding insults from conservative family members and comments as to why they are “so sensitive.” “I mean I have breasts. So do you. So do chickens. They don’t even have a vagina. It’s not my fault our families don’t understand registries. We are in debt. I don’t care about what they call the shit that comes out of breasts.” commented Max’s partner Skyler.

Skyler contacted the hospital Max gave birth at for some financial assistance. They have no such programs, however they did promise several literal pats on their back for “inclusivity” once social distancing rules are relaxed. “Then they e-mailed us a link to a WikiHow on stating a GoFundMe.”

Dr. Moses Charmichael, a male, cisgendered OB/GYN, was asked what the medical community can do to better their care of marginalized groups. “We are very proud of our industry for this huge push toward a more loving society.” When asked if healthcare could be more affordable for under-served communities, Carmichael replied, “Why would we do that? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to interview a nighttime nanny,” leaving behind a trail of exhaust from his Hummer.

“We are actually very uncomfortable with the phrases ‘chest’ and ‘human milk.’ We do not want to be involved with that weird shit. I mean listen to how that sounds,” reads an official statement from the Trans, Non-Binary, and Gender Non-Conforming Communities. The joint statement continues: “As long as you’re listening to us, which isn’t very often, we’d like to take this rare opportunity to let you know we also are not fond of gender-reveal parties that don’t reveal new genders, ‘unisex’ clothing that also says ‘for men and women’, and making a huge deal of saying ‘men have periods too.’ You know you can just make the products inclusive and not pat yourselves on the back, yeah? Or even better, give us free shit.” 

Max said they would provide a a link to a registry where you can send them free shit.