News Shorts

EPA Reports Toxic Levels Of Bullshit Due To Story About Who Richard Was With Last Night

Skunk City Neighborhood Sign

SYRACUSE, NY–A vast amount of manure was discovered spread across three blocks of the Skunk City neighborhood of Syracuse. Due to the large amount of methane such manure releases, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was invited to investigate. The agency reports that this toxic level of bullshit is directly related to a story about who Richard Harper was with last night.

EPA inspector Agent Vance McCullough was in charge of cleaning up the incident. “We suspect that one Richard Harper, of 252 South Fey Road, might be responsible. This is an incredible amount of bullshit. Harper must have lied to, 60 to 80 people in an incredibly short period of time.”

The EPA has been more frequently called out to these sites over the past 15 years. Agent McCullough says that the usual suspect is an individual lying on social media. “A lot of people don’t think there’s consequences to their actions. But bullshit doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s got a source.”

Harper posted on Facebook last night that he was going to call it an early day as he had a lot of work to do in the morning; but some people are convinced that’s not the case.”

“Listen, that guy. He’s had a hell of a year. It’s not been good. So I hope he brought someone home. He really needed that win. But that was no excuse to just lie on social media. Like, people are on there for medical advice and stuff. It’s just not good karma,” said his “best friend” Theresa May. May is no relation to the former British Prime minister, she insisted. “But that doesn’t make sense. I texted him like 3 or 4 times last night and he didn’t answer. And that’s nothing compared to what I saw when I drove by his house. There was a yellow car parked in the driveway!”

“Seems pretty clear,” McCullough said. “Guy lied about bringing someone home for the night. Posted it on social media. 60 people see it and the bullshit appears, emitting not only a stench but dangerous greenhouse gasses. It’s a mess. All we can do is encourage people to not lie on social media and for companies to tweak their algorithms to discourage it. You never know. It might be your house next.”

Harper could not be reached for comment, but the mysterious yellow car remained parked in his driveway.