NEW YORK–Colton Underwood–former Virgin Bachelor and current abuser–came out as gay during a shocking interview with Good Morning America. While some viewers are excited about this minuscule amount of queer representation in the most hetero-normative reality franchise, others are concerned about Colton’s timing, as Colton is under scrutiny for stalking his ex.
Many believe that Colton is coming out now to absolve himself of and explain away his past crimes, or as it is known in the LGBTQ Community, “pulling a Full Spacey.”
“I don’t understand why celebrities choose to come out amidst abuse scandals. Being confused about your sexuality doesn’t cause you to mistreat women. That’s just regular ol’ misogyny,” said local Twink Sean McAllen. He continued “I mean, fuck, I went to Catholic school. I was a star linebacker before coming out. I was hella confused, but I didn’t put GPS tracking devices on women’s cars.”
“I honestly didn’t even know it was an option,” said lesbian dog groomer Jane Keller. “I could’ve waited until I was 30 to come out, and spent the past decade-and-a-half completely mistreating people under the guise of self-hatred. Instead I came out in high school, got therapy, and wasted 15 years of excuses to explain away my bad behavior. I just had to own up and suffer the consequences of my actions, and it’s totally not fair.”
When asked if there were any benefits to accepting oneself earlier on in life, Jane retorted: “Sure I was called ‘an inspiration’ and ‘someone who helped LGBT Youth avoid suicide’ but at what cost? I could’ve been totally stalking bitches!”
When reached for comment regarding his previous abuses of women, Colton sent the following statement:
“The reason I treated women so badly is because I was confused and wanted to actually be treating men badly. I was afraid of what society would think if I abused men. I wouldn’t want them to think I was a ‘gay abuser.’ So I just abuse women so I could be a regular abuser which is more palatable to society.”
Colton looks forward to placing tracking devices on men’s cars.