News Shorts

Parental Permission Required to Find Out Straight People Exist

TUCSON– Lawmakers in Arizona state recently approved legislation that requires students to get notes of parental permission before learning about sexual orientations. The stated intent is to prevent students from learning about queer people before their parents are ready. However, the bill is so poorly worded it leaves teachers unable to even mention heterosexual relationships.

“I can’t even talk about straight marriage now, unless parents approve,” stated 4th grade teacher Kat Sizemore. “I wanted to talk about Prince Philip passing away last week, but how can I not do that without saying he was the husband of the Queen of England?”

“I think it’s good,” muses parent Amanda Hornsby. “Kids don’t need to hear about men and women kissing and doing other things that we shouldn’t speak about in front of the children, you know. Maybe if they don’t hear about straight people pregnancy rates will go down?”

Some teachers are concerned the bill unintentionally goes even farther. “The way it’s phrased, I’m not even sure I can mention anyone whatsoever, as everyone has a sexual orientation of some sort,” states high school teacher Sue Mckinley. “I’m a math teacher, so that’s ok by me, but I can’t imagine trying to teach English without admitting anyone ever existed at all. Which, well, all of humanity is awful, so maybe it’s not completely terrible.”