News Shorts

Evangelical Pastor Moves To Outlaw Absolut Vodka Drinkers From Bathrooms After Seeing Float at Pride Parade

Rainbow Shots by Viv Lynch

HENDERSON, NE–Queer Coded reporters caught up with Pastor James White as he canvassed his community late Sunday gathering signatures for a bill banning Absolut Vodka drinkers from using public bathrooms. “With all of the new letters they’re always adding to the LGBTQIA-whatever, it can be hard to keep up with all the new genders and sexualities they’re releasing all the time. I’ll be honest – I lost track! But then I turned on the news and they were showing a pride parade. There it was, an Absolut Vodka float. That’s when I realized that’s what the A stands for!”

Barbara, a member of White’s congregation, didn’t need much convincing to sign. “My husband and I are god-fearing Smirnoff drinkers!” She said, her speech a bit slurred. “I don’t know what those Absolut drinkers are doing in the bathrooms, but if they have rainbows on their bottles, I know it’s not good! Probably something to do with butts!”

“That’s right!” White added with a smile. “God fearing folk drink Smirnoff!”

When asked what chapter and verse ban Absolut Vodka in the bible, White hesitated before answering “If God wanted his people to drink Absolut, He would’ve said so.” White then excused himself with an apology as he had many more congregation members to visit.

On the way back out of town, Queer Coded writers spotted White sitting on a curb, crying, and pulled over. When asked what was wrong, White wiped his nose and responded “I turned on the news again and saw another parade. Smirnoff has a float, too!”

He threw his signature-filled clipboard into the storm drain before continuing. “How am I going to tell my family I’m queer?”