News Shorts · Politics

Amnesiac Demands Kink-Free Pride

Fetish by Marco on Flickr

LOS ANGELES- In an unexplained tragedy, forty-six-year-old lesbian Carol Brown called for a “kink-free” and “family-friendly” gay pride after losing all memory of queer oppression.

Brown’s symptoms became clear in a series of tweets early this morning, when she wrote “I don’t care if you’re into leather or whips or cartoon dogs, just don’t advertise it on the street. Kids show up to these things.” Ironically, this is the same logic Brown’s mother used to exclude her from Fourth of July 1997, but Carol can no longer remember that.

“Pride is about inclusivity,” Brown continued, unable to recognize irony, “Not sex. How are we supposed to fit into regular society if we advertise ourselves as degenerates?”

Unfortunately, Pride Amnesia is not limited to Ms. Brown.

“You can see these anomalies as far back as ancient Greece,” explains Dr. Sydney Schwartz, who penned their thesis on retrograde amnesia in civil rights cases. “Seemingly at random, oppressed people forget that they are oppressed and therefore ignore or inhibit the movements toward equality. Pride began as a riot, lead by trans women, leather queens, and various other ‘degenerates.’ To ignore that suggests a serious mental breach. Plus what does family-friendly even mean?”

Carol Brown disagrees. “Pride is a celebration of all we’ve accomplished. We got marriage equality by proving that we deserve the same rights and responsibilities as normal people. That was our big battle and we won by being normal. Dressing up like Dame Edna to have sex on a float is gonna destroy all that!”

Sadly, Brown’s amnesia isn’t limited to the entire queer liberation movement and basic understanding of drag. Sources close to her also say Brown has forgotten most of her personal experiences as a woman.

“She told me to stop using the Queer label. She said ‘it’s a slur,'” explained co-worker Bianca Martinez. “When my dad kicked me out, he called me a lesbian. Find me one adjective to describe me that hasn’t been a slur at one time or another. I’m not policing my identity for people who already hate me. She just took her coffee and left. Bitch came up to me.”

“I don’t remember that,” Brown said, probably not for the first time. “I just don’t know why they’re trying to suddenly make pride political. It’s about Gay rights, not all this weird nonsense like kink, pronouns, and asexuality which isn’t even real.”

Yet some are envious of her condition. “It does seem relaxing,” mused Dr. Schwartz, “If I could push a button and make furries at Pride the only problem I cared about? I could catch up on so many shows.”

Despite her condition, Brown still intends to attend Pride events. “Now that the pandemic is totally over, I just want to be around people again. I might see some disturbing things but at least the police will be there.” Despite the crowds, Brown has also refused the Covid-19 vaccination, claiming the “research” wasn’t there.