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Card For UFC Eldritch Statesman Bout Announced: Trump Vs Cruz

Cruz Vs Trump Stare Down Each Other During Weigh In

LAS VEGAS–In a surprise move, the Ultimate Fighting Championship has announced a new bout to feature the most despised statesmen from throughout the world. UFC has announced their lineup for the Eldritch Statesman Bout, and the title fight shall include Donald J Trump and Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz. It being billed as a match up for the ages, with the favored Trump fighting the underdog Cruz; they’ve had their public feuds in the past, resulting in hurt feelings for Cruz and his family, but now the two are ready to tango and take on one another for who can take the Belt Of Trumpists.

While that might be the title bout, there are plenty of other fights to watch. Jim Jordan will take on Tommy Tuberville in a competition to determine which coach knows less about sports than the other; will it be Jordan ignoring sexual assault in his staff, or will it be Tuberville’s raw passionate and unbounded ignorance that wins the day? 

We’re not missing out on the ladies, either. Marjorie Taylor Greene will fight Lauren Boebert in the “Rep Q-Off” where these two women will fight to the bitter end about who hates the deep state more. There will be no holds barred and, if the ladies make it to the 5th round, we’ll open up the rifle cages for some true Red White and Blue Gun Loving action!

Don’t miss, also, the emeritus league, where Donald Rumsfeld fights Henry Kissinger go toe to toe over spilled blood and lost treasure across generations.

Also on the card:

  • Ron Johnson vs. John Neely Kennedy
  • Roger Stone vs. Steve Bannon
  • Matt Gaetz vs. Donald Trump Jr.
  • Eric Trump vs. A Potato Sack
  • Tucker Carlson vs. Sean Spicer

And MORE to be announced, including a special visit from a surprise guest!