Family Values Group Aims To Change Name Of “Charm,” “Strange” Quarks

BATAVIA, IL–It is not every day that the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory attracts protestors, but one evangelical organization has taken exception to some jargon used in the studying of physics. Specifically, the group takes hopes to change the name of “charm” and “strange” quarks; each is an elementary particle of matter.  On Sunday, the group, who calls themselves, “Clean Up Science For Unsullied Children” camped outside the entrance to the laboratory carrying signs and chanting and occasionally offering prayers for the scientists inside. “We’re really looking out for our children here,” the organizer of the protest, Andrew Sullivan–no relation to the racist–said.

“We’re hoping that the scientists see the wisdom of our concerns. We really cannot have our children being concerned about such frivolities of physics. We want them interested in real science. And I do not think we can do so with such silly names.” He continued, “These words, specifically ‘charm,’ also have a slightly homosexual flair. We need to eradicate the interference of the homosexual agenda in the realm of the hard sciences. See also, ‘black hole,’ which is clearly a metaphor for an anus. How does that please The Lord?”

Sullivan’s group, CUSFUC, was founded late last year when Mr. Sullivan’s wife, Karen, discovered that some elementary particles are named “Quarks.”

“These are so-called elementary particles,” she said. “Like the children of matter! Quark just sounds hecking gay to me.”

Mr. Sullivan, who is a grown man with no real hang-ups, he claims, said, “Such frivolities have no place in Western Science. This is why America continues to fall behind. We ought to rename these after strong things. Nothing so whimsical.”

Mrs. Sullivan added, “I just hope one day we’ll take on ‘big bang’!”

“We’ll get there! But with that name you can tell that there’s nothing but perverts in the halls of physics.” When asked what he meant, he said. “You know.”