News Shorts

CULTURE WAR: Biden Allows Trans Troops In The Military

WASHINGTON DC–The Biden administration resumed the Obama-era policy of allowing openly Transgender people to serve in the military.

Critics of the plan, such as Shirley Terlington of the organization Terlington’s Really Against Military Participation For Trans People (or TRAMPFTP), have come out against trans troops. “Naturally, we are concerned with troop cohesion. Also, the money needed for the healthcare of transgender troops could be better spent on, say, Viagra.”

However, the detractors are not just on the right; several pro-transgender activists are unhappy as well. “I know we are expected to be happy for this. And it’s not that we’re unhappy,” stated Katie Samuelson, head of the Transgender Rights Avocation Agency And Associated Associations (TRAAAAA), “We would just much prefer President Biden to be working on giving us money.”

Joining the TRAAAAA are group of pacifists who go by WUSS. A spokesman (they have no leadership) explained, “We are deeply worried about tensions abroad and had wanted the ban to stay in place in case a draft ever became necessary. We previously used ‘homosexual’ as an excuse to dodge the dra–I’m sorry–avoid military service, but now that gays are allowed, we had hoped to show up in dresses and heels to be dismissed.” 

In the end, it seems those most happy about the removal of the ban are generals in the military themselves. We spoke to an Army recruiter, Sgt. Paul Adams, said, “The military is always in need of the widest range of eligible candidates. We don’t want to exclude a worthy cadet or soldier. If they’re willing to die–I mean, put themselves in harm’s way for this country, who cares what they want to do to their bodies? If they’re lucky they might even get bits blown off in a land mine. That’s all I’m saying.”