Researchers Work Hard To Deny Own Survey

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BELOIT, WI–Conducting surveys can be a fraught process that can sometimes illuminate parts of society that a researcher may be uncomfortable with. This month, researchers at Beloit College conducted research showing that the population of transgender teens is about 3000% greater than previously thought; the researchers are positive that they performed and weighted the survey in accordance with best practices, which lead them to one conclusion: the kids are not transgender.

“We don’t know if this is about gender identity or expression,” said Dr. Katherine Stephenson. The survey did not include questions about gender expression. The professor of sociology continued, “I suppose we should have learned what the terms we used in the survey meant before including them.”

The professor is not alone in her displeasure about the survey results. A Madison based anti-transgender activist and folk singer named Thistle Scheissekopf, also raised her doubts about the survey. “The kids just can’t know what they are. I mean, that much is clear.” Scheissekopf, who has several Google alerts for various transgender terms to be emailed to her daily, claims to be merely worried about women. She also expressed concern about the loss of female masculinity. “Whatever happened to our butches and tomboys?”

Local butch and former tomboys, when reached for comment, merely rolled their eyes at the activist’s name.

Dr. Stephenson cautioned against using the survey for anything meaningful. “I’m merely a professor of Sociology. This should not be construed as any kind of support for children to receive gender supportive medical treatment. I mean, I am a doctor but not that kind of doctor.” Stephenson said, “These kids really have no idea what’s going on in their heads. I can say that pretty definitively. We can take these numbers to show exactly that.” She looked through the door at Schiessekopf, who stood outside with a sign that said, “Woman: Adult Human Female.”

“We need to make this clear: these kids don’t know themselves. And we certainly wouldn’t want medical and psychological professionals to help them in conjunction with their parents.” Stephenson concluded, “There are hundreds of thousands of people who should have a say here about these kids’ medical care. I mean, even with Coronavirus that looks like it might end eventually.”